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accidental jesus fanfic

So to preface, i had to do an assignment where i “interviewed” the patriarchs of the main three monotheistic religions. i ran with it…

How are the basic beliefs of your faith similar to the other monotheistic faiths?

Moses: Judaism is based on the torah, which to jesus here is only half of the story.

Jesus: thats true, the first testament is setting the idea of no man can achieve perfection on his own, then when i come in it shows the redemption story and how all sins are forgiven.

Ms: her you go with this “new testament” spiel again, for the last time its the torah.

J: really moses youre going to correct me? the son of god himself? for dad’s sake you didnt make it to the promised land because you hit a rock when dad told you to talk to it-

Ms: not this again, are you ever going to let me live this down? he told me to hit it before so i was just following a pattern! who are you to talk, you went to hell didnt you?

J: so your sins would be forgiven! all the things i do for you people and you still dont believe im your savior.

Mohammed: would you two quit fighting?! youre both right, both books happened ok? when are you guys gonna figure out that mine is right too

J: never

M: yup

*jesus and moses high-five*

How are the basic beliefs of your faith different from the other monotheistic faiths?

J: i think we’ve mostly covered that one

Ms: yeah, its mostly who thinks what happened-

J: like the new testament

 Ms: and what DIDN’T!

J: like the Quran

Mh: oh come off it!

What is the holy book of your faith and how does it compare to others?

J: well-

Mh: NO! stop i get to answer this one! no interjections, ands, or buts. OK?!

Mh: well they both believe that the other is wrong about their religion, jesus thinks his story happened, and moses thinks it didnt. although they can agree on a few things

J: *whispering* like how the quran didnt

Mh: shut up! just because you alredy did your job doesnt mean the entire company calls it quits, there was still more work to do and thats where i came in!

What types of internal differences and divisions exist within your faith?

J: well for mine theres about a bazillion, so many denominations with all their pesonal hang ups, why does it matter, just read the book and do what it freakin’ says, its not hard.

Ms: well we’ve got the born-agains (ugh) and they believe in the bible but consider themselves jews, and then we have the standard, and thats it.

Mh: it first branches out to Sunni and Shiite  which are the two main branches but then it breaks into all these smaller groups, which is too much to get into now.

Do you guys think you’ll ever reach some agreement?

Mh: i think we could eventually, but it would take a lot negotiation

J: i think me and moses could eventually come to an agreement.

Ms: no, not even oing to humor the idea

J: but you know what’s a pretty humorous idea?
the quran

Ms: hahahaha

Mh: oh shut up.

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